There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My liver just broke up with me...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
