I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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