I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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