I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
