New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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