He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I am never drinking with the goths again.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
