My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
