discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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