I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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