my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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