please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
