I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
