you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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