im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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