I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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