I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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