You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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