you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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