This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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