Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize