I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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