Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
not ubering you a puppy
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize