So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I have already put on my inside pants.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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