I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
