mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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