I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
