the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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