Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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