Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Randomize
