so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
