Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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