you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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