i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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