hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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