I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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