She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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