my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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