i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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