dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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