halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
