I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
