i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize