Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
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