He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
