You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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