i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He has the fingertips of a God
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