I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
