Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
