I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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