my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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