life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
