Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
