I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
