True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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