Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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