She is in my trunk
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
