I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
