i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Hippo gnu deer
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
