Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize