You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
